Parte Cinque - Present Rejection

Carpooling, carpooling, carpooling!

Yes, I don't own any means of transportation...thus, I am in the process of seeking for anyone who's willing to share his car seat with me. No worries, I will chip in gas.

I have gone through some carpooling before, twice... But everytime I ask if they'd want to do this regularly, they'd say no.

Both of them came up with different reasons.

One said that he might not be able to pick me up on time.

While the other one reasoned that my office was too freaking far!

You know... I wouldn't take them too seriously if only they weren't male species.

I have no feelings whatsoever to any of them, hell, even one of them is at my father age.

However, having trouble with male species lately... has made me pretty sensitive.

I feel that I've been rejected. Yes I might have over-reacted over carpooling.

It shouldn't be a massive deal! I keep telling myself.

Rejection for two days in a row, I wonder how one can still keep her head up.

How about taxi? Well that means of transportation I surely can't afford everyday.

While other public transportation, err... Not really. My outfits don't really go along with the bus.

It is already pretty sickening to have random people whistle at you or tease you on the street...

Now I have to imagine myself being the-stare-at-object for 30 minutes everyday? no,I would not fancy that.

Thus, my determination to find anyone who is willing to carpool with me!

So far, I don't see any willingness.

Oh how I hate feeling unwanted.

It reminds me of Tareeq in the movie, Cairo Time. This sweet Egyptian man started to love his friend's wife. She was stranded in Cairo and waiting for her husband to return from Gaza.

Tareeq accompanied her walking around Egypt. They then developed romantic feelings to each other.

But ofcourse in the end, she's still married and Tareeq was still the guy who fell for his friend's wife.

I can't stop remembering how Tareeq glanced at her when she was hand in hand with her husband in the elevator.

That's rejection.

And that's how I feel now.

Parte Quatro - When past stucks in the present

This is a bit dramatic as I keep checking my BB for any incoming message. But no, no message. Not even one. One from particular person that I have been waiting for.

Its a bit shameful to admit that for a week, every evening around 6-8pm I converse online with my past. As he gets damn bored at work, I get excited to be able to speak to him and laugh at his silly jokes.

I laugh easy when I speak with him and where the heck is he now?!! I need to laugh really bad.

Today hasn't been a good day for me.

It is 7.42pm and he's not online yet.

My phone's ringing. I see the caller id and ofcourse Rose is calling.

She's my boss and receiving a call from my boss after arguing with her only 5 hours prior isn't really something that I am looking forward to.

"Yes?" I open the conversation.

"Oh hi Lolita! Can you go to our office in Melbourne on Friday?"

"Friday? Until when? I was scheduled to give presentation for our client the next wednesday" I prompt a reply

"Scott will deal with that. You will be in Melbourne for a week" replies Rose.

"Okey"

"Great. Scott will email you the itineary now"

"Oh..."

Itineary? Already? I am pretty sure she already arranged my travel plan before calling me. Ahh poor Scott, its 8.30 and he's still in the office catering for Mrs-Margareth Tatcher-alike.

"See you tomorrow!" Rose then hangs up the phone.

Great! Me traveling! That's one of the reasons why I signed up for this job. Don't get me wrong, I like everything about my job minus Rose and the crazy work hours.
One time I had to stay in the office until 3 AM, Rose made me wait for a confirmation email from our office in Africa. When I asked her why I couldn't just wait for the email at home, she answered, "Honey, I didn't complain when my boss asked me to take red eye flights for only one reason, to cut my company's travel expense!"

Yes I got it, you refused to speak your mind to your boss... But don't expect me to follow your steps.

She could be very unpleasant sometimes.

But I have to acknowledge that she lets me expanding my career, which is kind of rare in the world where it is very easy to feel threaten by others' career.

You gotta see people from two perspectives then make judgement, that's what I believe in.

Oh man, its 9.30 pm already and my past hasn't appeared online yet.

I walk to the kitchen to find some food salvation.

I still have two cupcakes left from our office party yesterday. And tonight, I aim to finish both of them.

I walk back and check on my facebook account in my BB.

One message in my inbox.

Shit! Its Damien!

I stop myself from reading further. I can feel my stomach start turbulating.

I run to the bathroom and throw up.

I cuss myself that he still has this effect on me.

"Hey! How are you? I just came back from surfing in this beach three hours from where I live. I need to get away for a bit. I hope everythings well with you at home"

The email reads.

Everything is well? You broke my heart asshole! I find tears start going through my cheeks.

Yes, it was Damien, Damien Verzig for exact, who made me emotionally unwell for quite sometimes.

He was the reason why I signed up for cross country, shrink even binge drinking!

I re-read his email. Reading his email was my favorite things to do, even when we were still dating.

We used to send each other songs. Thus, I can't listen to any Beatles songs anymore because he liked them and because he sent their songs to me.

My favorite thing to do now is skipping all of the beatles songs in my ipod.

Damien is a gentleman. A gentleman who broke my heart but still I can't bring myself to hate him.

He's kind and attentive. I hate that I had to leave. I was almost certain that we may be still together. Or maybe not, I don't know. But what I know is at least I could show him that I would worth every fights. We would be wonderful together.

I hate the fact that I am almost a nomad.

And I curse the fact that he just surrendered on the fact that I would leave. He didn't try to stop me.

Since I departed a year ago, we manage to stay in touch.

And since I departed a year ago, I still think of him sometimes.

Parte Tre - Does past ever teach you anything?

Ding!!! My blackberry alarmed me that there is message coming in.

Ahh I can't be bothered with that yet as my eyes are preoccupied with the fashion scene in tv.

Ding!!!

"Shut up!" I tell my blackberry and I finally force myself to get up from the couch. I left my blackberry in my bag.

"Hey" the message says
I sit myself down when I see who messaged me.

"Yes?" I reply. Many thoughts start clouding my mind.

"I just wanna say hi since you said that you always initiated our conversation. Now we're even" the message says.

I smile but then I stop myself from smilling. He's an ass and will always be, I remind myself.

"Sure" I type back.

I put my phone down and try to refocus myself on the London Fashion Show in tv. Five minutes later I can't help myself from obssessing on why there is no new message coming in.

"Whatcha doing?" I type and send. What the hell am I thinking?! I curse myself

Well lolita if he did not reply you, it would emphasize that he has not changed... I mumble to myself... But if...

Ding!!

My hand waits no time to press on View Message button.

"Like usual, work and boredom... I'm sooo bored that I wanna see something dramatical like massive explosion or earthquake"

"Mr.violent huh?" I giggle.

Lolita stop! I yell at myself. But there is nothing wrong to keep in touch with your old acquaintance. I reason myself. Old acquaintance who had broken your heart as many as stars in the sky. I warn my tempted mind.

"What are you doing? Let me guess, staring at the moon?"

I laugh.

Sometimes I feel that it is strange to befriend with someone who had promised you the world but then departed from your life. Without even a proper goodbye.

He is my mr. Big. He had my heart when he said, "No I don't wanna do it!" refusing to be part of the high school play when I was the main character. He was the first one who had ever said no to me.

He held my world when I was 16.

And 17.

And about couple months ago.

I loved him.

He was my main reason to believe in love. We weren't officially a couple but he was a close mate. We spent lots of times together bickering and dreaming about the future.

Ding!!! A message is coming in.

"I gotta go now" he says.

"Have a good rest of your work" I type back.

"You too" he replies.

I wonder how he now looks like. The last time we met was four years ago when I accidentaly met him at my bestfriend's house.

Life has taken us to different paths. I live here while he's in the Netherlands.

That's the thing about life, it can take you anywhere she likes.

Knock. Knock.

I look at the watch on the wall. 9.30 pm. Who's coming this late? I ponder while walking to the door.

"Who is it?"

"Its Andy"

I open the door,

"What the? Andy what happened to you?" I ask.

The scene in front of me is certainly unpretty. My close mate, Andy Heinzelbeck, is crying and looking like mess.

I hug him and let him in.

"Here..." I give him a glass of water and sit next to him. He sips the water.

"You're right, James is a jerk. I just caught him kissing his colleague in his office!" Andy starts the story.

"Oh my poor andy" I hug him and he starts crying again.

James and him have been dating for almost a month now, which is considered a lifetime in homosexual world, according to Andy.

Like me, he was a believer in this relationship.

part due - what one can do to deal with the past

Ahh it is damn raining. You know, I like rain but only when I can stay inside my own place, drink a cup of hot choco and catch up with my favorite tv shows. That would always be my favorite thing to do.

But that is not the case now, it is wet outside and I am stuck in the office still working on these papers.

Worse, it is friday night and I am by myself. I reckon everyone else's already left nite outing.

Oh wait until you hear this, the worst, I actually volunteered to stay late.

Well I have to do everything I can to preoccupy my mind from reminiscing about my past, including drowning myself in these workloads that will not due in two weeks. And as I am writing this, I realize that this method is not working either.

Just like any other methods that I have tried before. Joining my mates for some nite outing that apparently only ends up with me getting buzz and turning into an emotional drunken lady who cried for her failed past relationship on the side of the street. I also decided to follow my good mate's advice to throw myself back in the dating game, but ofcourse I could only find myself even lamenting over the fact that there might not be potential men left. Then, I was so that desperate to clean my mind from being haunted by my past, that for two weeks I had joined cross country. Thus, some of my mates agreed to sign me up to see a shrink.
Well the last method had worked well, but only for a month... It had to end, as I develop romantic feeling to my already-engaged-shrink. I supposed I was lacking of men's attention that I reckoned, perhaps only my shrink could fulfill my need.

To this day, it has been 5 months after my last visit, my shrink still thinks that I have started seeing someone so I would not need to see a therapist to help me coping with my past. I had to lie.

So that left me here, alone, in the office, in friday night.

Parte Uno- My name is...

How do I start? It is always the question I ask everytime I start writing. I shall admit that to commence this particular writing is rather difficult since I will share my life. Yes you hear me, la mia vita!

I am nobody and if you're seeking for stories of "somebody", you aint going to find it here my dear! I am just an ordinary young lady at age 23 going on 24 living in this so called "jungle city" and trying to make a living out of... let's just say, my charming personality.

Let me say it again, personality! No, I am not and don't have a super model look. But I have this principle, "get to know me first and then reject me". See how charming my personality is :p

Well anyway, that's a brief introduction of moi. Oh, my name is Lolita Rein.